Australia

(A dialogue with a friend)

"Did you know that eucalyptus oil is hallucinogenic?"
"Bullshit, they sell that stuff in vitamin stores."
"No no, it doesn't work for humans. It's only hallucinogenic to koala bears. It's some kind of evolutionary adaptation. They chew on the eucalyptus leaves and get high all day long. Haven't you seen them, just chilling up in the trees doing nothing? They're like the stoners of the animal kingdom."
"Right, of course you would know about that."
"No, it's true! My friend from Australia told me..."
"Ha! Australia. Australia isn't real."
"What?"
"Australia is just a place made up for those silly TV shows and movies. 'Adventure Down Under!' or some BS like that. 'A mysterious, lost continent in the middle of the Pacific ocean, full of wonderful, fantastic animals and hallucinogenic plants! Aboriginal natives with strange costumes... errr, and customs!' Didn't I read something about people finding dinosaurs there once? Ha!"
"There WERE dinosaurs in Australia, millions of years ago."
"Oh yes, truly a land before time!"
"Don't be silly. Look on any map. Australia, it's there."
"Being on a map doesn't mean it's true. There were maps that showed dragons in those oceans. Columbus sailed using a map that showed China and India in the place of the Americas. Even today there are maps that show Greenland as bigger than the United States. Maps are horribly distorted. Can't rely on them."
"Haven't you seen pictures of Sydney? What about the opera house?"
"Pssh, pictures can be faked so easily. As for the Opera house... Did you know there's an Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas? There's a Statue of Liberty in Paris."
"I know, but the Eiffel Tower in Vegas isn't the REAL Eiffel Tower."
"Oh, it's real. I've been to Vegas."
"No, I mean it's not THE Eiffel Tower. It's just a reproduction."
"What makes it any less Eiffel than the one in Paris?"
"Because it... look, we're going off topic here. How about kangaroos? Koala bears? Those animals don't live anywhere else in the world!"
"The only kangaroos I've seen live right here, at the city zoo. I've never seen koala bears. They could be midgets in fursuits for all I know."
"Fine. The fact is, Australia is a country where millions of people live. Real people."
"Have you met all those millions of people in Australia?"
"Yes! I mean no, not all, but I have a friend who grew up in Australia. The one I told you about."
"You mean he TOLD you he grew up in Australia. You weren't with him when he was growing up, were you?"
"She, but why would she lie to me? She even has an accent."
"Oy! G'day mate! Like that?"
"Sure but not fake sounding."
"Is she the only Australian you know personally?"
"Mm, yes."
"Then how can you be sure she has a genuine Australian accent?"
"Well, I've seen Australian actors in movies. Russell Crowe is Australian."
"He didn't have any accent in Gladiator. In 3:10 to Yuma he had an American cowboy drawl. Does that make him a genuine American?"
"Sigh... So you going to tell me next that the Moon landing is fake? That it was just a movie filmed on a sound stage in Hollywood?"
"No, I believe the Moon landings happened. But all the 'Australian' scenes in movies and shows are filmed elsewhere. Maybe New Mexico, or Nevada. You know, like how those early Clint Eastwood movies are called 'Spaghetti Westerns' because they were shot in Italy."
"I see what you're doing here. You say you don't believe Australia exists. You want me to prove it. Well, I've given you all this evidence already..."
"You've given me second and third-hand information. I would hardly call that evidence."
"... and there's way more evidence for Australia than the moon landings. Look, look at this, they have Fosters beer here, exported from Australia. So how can you believe in the moon landings and not Australia?"
"I rather like the idea of human beings walking on a celestial body."
"What does your personal preference have to do with existence or reality? You're acting like ostriches that bury their head in the sand."
"My friend Jimbo, he learned all about evolution from school. He doesn't believe it though, despite all the scientific evidence. He was raised Christian and prefers the Bible."
"Oh please, you don't have any friends called Jimbo. And if Jimbo is real you'd be as stupid as he is."
"Come on now! Jimbo would be hurt! He's a cool guy; he said he's Australian."

"OK, isn't there any authority on the matter that you would trust? What about geography lessons in school? Don't you trust your teachers? How about an encyclopedia? There are articles about Australian history and economy and culture, filled with verifiable facts. Surely you can trust that! "
"There is an article about the history, government and culture of the Klingon Empire too, probably with more pictures and references than the Australian article. And the Klingon have their own language. You can buy Hamlet, the original Klingon version. The people who made up Australia didn't even bother to give them a language. All they got were some stoned animals and a crappy beer."
"Australians speak English because it was an English prison colony."
"Very convenient."
"What about Occam's Razor? Is it likely that almost everybody in the world share this delusion of an imaginary continent? Or, more simply, you are the one who's delusional and you're the one in stubborn denial?"
"Occam's Razor is hardly a proof. You can't even use that in court. All you've shown me is that most people believe in the existence of Australia (and I can question your claim there). Someone once said that he would believe in a miracle if it is more miraculous for the report to be false. What if your friend told you that in Australia, rocks can float on water? You would think he is joking. What if two friends told you that? What if everyone you know tells you about floating rocks? Now, the majority of Americans believe in miracles and angels. Most human beings believe there is an afterlife, whether it be heaven, hell, reincarnation, whatever. And I'm guessing none of them have been to heaven."
"But that's different..."
"Personally, I do not believe in miracles, or angels, or an afterlife. As I see it, if the majority of people are deluded about heaven and hell, what makes them any more trustworthy on the subject of Australia? It would be completely arbitrary for me to trust people in one testimony and not the other. Why do some subscribe to the teachings of Jesus instead of Mohammed or Confucius? Why do they believe in the Christian God and not Xenu? Why Australia and not Heaven? It all comes down to faith, a personal belief, a preference. "
"You can't compare Australia to Heaven. People have actually been to Australia and come back. You can go visit Australia yourself, right now if you want. Get a plane ticket, fly over, convince your damned, sacrilegious self."
"I can go to Heaven right now too, or more likely, Hell. I prefer to stay right here though. Besides, I can't afford to fly anywhere; I'm just a poor writer."